i precepted yesterday, and i left the hospital feeling completely confused and frustrated...and it has definitely carried over into today. i hate that feeling, the feeling that your life has been taken over by chaos, but you aren't sure how to get rid of it, or even how it got there.
i feel like i usually am pretty confident in clinical [that is not meant to sound cocky at all..], but yesterday i felt like i was robbed of all my confidence. i felt so, well, dumb. that is the worst feeling in the world. i also came to the scary conclusion, i don't know if i have enough emotion and caring to be a good nurse. don't get me wrong, i know how to be nice to my patients, but the caring aspect, that is what i am worried about. i have been so focused on putting up walls for years, that i feel like i have lost the ability to care. i am afraid that if i start letting these walls fall down, i would be an emotional wreck, all the time. so i have kept these walls up, and have nailed them together, tight. i hate getting hurt, or more so, i hate that i feel like i don't have that one person that i can run to when i do get hurt. and i hate that i don't know how to rely on God during those times of agony...i still have a lot of learning and growing to do. even though i am excited about graduation, the fact that nursing very well might become my life in a few short weeks [if i can get a job] petrifies me. i don't know if i have what it takes to do it. i feel like these past two and a half years have just sucked the life out of me, and i have nothing left to give. i feel like i have no more "caring" inside of me. i am simply drained, and desperately need someone to refill me. i am so, overwhelmingly, spent.
Lord, please teach me, and help me truly learn, how to rely and lean on you when i have nothing left to give.
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