it's been a while...

it's been a while since i have posted anything here.

it has been a weird semester. first, i have had to make the adjustment to living by myself. not that this has been a bad adjustment, but it has just been different. i definitely feel that it has placed a different sense of stress on me, it is weird to explain. anyway, but overall, it has been great. i will say though, i would be lying if i didn't, i do get lonely last night. like last night, when i felt so sick, and all i wanted was to have someone reach out and give me a hug, and i had no one to turn to. all i had was the darkness and quiet of my room. i guess God is really trying to teach me to rely on him. i cannot rely on others. i cannot depend on others. i need to learn to cast all my cares on him.

i have been wrestling a lot within myself recently. i feel that there is an inner battle going on inside of me that i don't know how to win. i feel so lost. when i am at work, i am happy. i am home. i am content. i want to do that forever. yet, i have slim periods, or glimpses of me working in a hospital, getting married, and having a family...and my heart aches for this. ever since i was little i have always wanted a family, that has been a longing of my heart for so long. however, over the past five and a half years i have been career driven. maybe i have been this way because there has been no possibility of having a family in my future. since i have no control over that i have made something that i can control in my life a priority, my career, so i cannot focus or get depressed about not having a family any time soon. i feel so lost. i feel that the so many directions that i am being pulled in cannot all be satisfied, so i have to choose. fire fighting, the hospital...a family. i cannot have them all. can i? i feel that if i choose this life of fire fighting i may never settle down and have a family, and that petrifies me. but it is something my heart so dearly wants. nursing is great, and safe, but fire excites me. i am so confused about where i am suppose to head. i just wish i didn't feel so alone. Lord, give me direction for my life. i feel so lost.