on irrational fear.

church tonight at rock harbor fullerton was amazing. the sermon was about being anxious...eek, i know, sticky subject. i realized tonight that i always avoid talking about anxiety and relying on God, because i do such a horrible job at it. i have a tendency to be an anxious person. there, i said it, it is out in the open. i am anxious about a lot of things in my life, and i hate that i am. some things that i worry about on a more regular than not basis:

money [the fact that graduation is quickly approaching and i have a ton of student loans is starting to freak me out].
i won't graduate [i know, crazy, but at the pit of my stomach i am petrified that something will happen and i won't walk across that stage on may 7th].
i will end up alone.
i won't find a job after i graduate.
money.
i will never be good enough.
i will crash the ambulance at work and get fired [this seems silly, but it is still something i am nervous about...even after 2 years].
money.
i will look back on my life and have regrets.
i will fail [i have an irrational fear about failing. i don't want to be a failure].

i hate that i worry as much as i do, and i realize that this is a huge area of my life that i need to consciously work on. the speaker tonight explained how joy is an irrational gratitude in all circumstances. and also how anxiety is the opposite of joy, and it is an irrational fear. i long to rid myself of my irrational fears. an encouraging verse that i was reminded of was philippians 4:4-7:

"4rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! 5let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near. 6do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

so Lord, here are my irrational fears. take them. fill me with an irrational gratitude in all circumstances. i am ready. i want to be done living a life of fear, because that is no way to live.