snapshot of twenty-ten.

by the grace of God...

rang in the new year in las vegas with devon, steve, amy, and aaron...
welcomed my nephew avery rock rivas into the world.
took and PASSED the cpat.
was promoted to associate supervisor.
trained four new employees at work.
climbed half dome for a second time.
got a second tattoo (his wounds have paid my ransom...).
bought a new car.
made a lot of bad hair decisions [i was born to be blonde].
moved into my very own apartment.
went snowboarding with kara.
began applying to fire departments.
saw my dear friend charissa after a year and a half (still missing you lady).
lost my dear partner to glendale fire department a/o program (go team thompson).
got a new great partner that is teaching me so much (detoooyyy).
moved to c shift (burckle, estrada, detoy...you keep my life interesting).
recertified as an emt.
did a lot of push-ups...but not enough.
watched my small group of girls finish high school and begin their journey as college students.
began attending rock harbor fullerton.
made some new, amazing, friends.
got closer to friends i already had.
turned 23.
saw beth and anna graduate from nursing school!
learned a lot about love...
went on a behind the scenes tour of the wb studios.
saw my roommates skyler and bri graduate from apu.

weddings attended:
david and candace
taylar and tim
chawna and dana
skyler and chris
kim and ricky
beth and eric (i was there in spirit!)

viewed:
the town
my sister's keeper
the time traveler's wife
inception
unstoppable
valentine's day
chorus line [the musical. it was SO good.]
i know i am forgetting a lot on this list...

traveled to:
las vegas (2x)
yosemite (1x)
julian (1x)
carpinteria (1x)
san diego (not enough)
[i need to travel more...]

classes conquered:
ob
peds
community health
nursing theory
nursing research
mental health
restorative



































happy new year everyone!

on mornings.

i love nice slow mornings. no hustle, no rush, just s l o w. over this four day, i have been embracing my slow mornings, especially since i don't have that many left before school starts up again on the tenth.
this morning, i participated in one of my all time favorite morning activities, reading a book before i get out of bed. yesterday i bought the book cold tangerines by shauna niequist, and it is absolutely phenomenal. i love when you find books that just feel that they were written for you, this is one of those books. as i was lying in bed this morning, wrapped up in my blankets to protect me from the cold air that was streaming in my window, with tears swelling up in my eyes, i felt a little less alone. one of my favorite quotes from the book thus far is this:

"friendship is acting out God's love for people in tangible ways. we are made to represent the love of God in each other's lives, so that each person we walk through life with has a more profound sense of God's love for them. friendship is an opportunity to act on God's behalf in the lives of the people that we're close to, reminding each other who God is. when we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. we get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can't always see from where we are."

ahhhh, music to my ears. this book is reminding me of all the areas of my life that i have been letting fall at the wayside. this book has reminded me of all of the areas in my soul that i long to change. this book has been soothing my soul, and reminding that i am not alone...anywho, before i get too sappy, this is a fabulous book, and to all my lady friends [sorry guys, i just don't think you all would be huge fans], shauna niequist is fabulous. read her work. the end.
on a somewhat different note, i got a new light fixture for my room! grandma had a lamp to get rid, and i was more than happy to take off of her hands. all it needed was a new lampshade [thank you target!], and we are good to go! looky looky...





and as an end note, i am just going to say that in six short days i am going on vacation to the northwest! i am going with my dear friends devon and steve [who are just two incredible people might i add, they are moving to india to be missionaries next summer], and we are going to see our [devon and my] old roommate beth and her husband eric. and we then get to see our funny, sweet, dear friend amy. it is going to be, wait for it, legendary.

thoughts on christmas.

christmas time during my childhood was such a special time, a sacred time, and a time that my entire family looked forward to all year. the minnick family has always had traditions, and we have always loved these traditions. it is funny how as time passes, these traditions slowly fade away, and become merely memories.
since i left the comfort of my parent's home, i will be the first to admit that i had become a grinch. i was not a fan of the holidays. they made me, well, for lack of a better word, sad. i am not sure if it was because holidays made me feel lonely, or if it was just because i was so exhausted i didn't have enough energy to want to celebrate anything, i am not sure. but the last few years, the holidays and myself have not been friends.
i wanted things to be different this year. the last couple of years i feel that my life has been in a fog, and i have been trying to break free...i am ready to start living again. i have a picture of my life in my head, and my heart aches for my reality to align with my expectations. i long to care about things again. most days i feel that i am cold, heartless, and have no feelings...and i hate it. i want to feel things again.
the point of all this: christmas, the holidays, whatever you want to call them...they are what you make of them. and i decided this year that i was going to make them great. one BIG step that i took was to buy my own christmas year. not a fake tree, not a charlie brown tree, but my very own, full, lush, beautiful tree.





another thing i decided to do was to spend more time with people this holiday season. recently i have been trying to reach out to people more and make an effort to build stronger relationships with others, and i didn't want this christmas season to be excluded. God created us to be in community with others, and i am really try to live out my life with this mentality...we were not created to go through life alone. so, after finals were over, my entire nursing class came over to my house and we did out secret santa exchange. it was such a precious time and it was so great being able to fellowship with all the amazing people God has placed in my life.





now i had to work on the 25th, but i was completely alright with that. i had been able to spend the previous two days with my family, and it was such a precious time. my family drove up on the 23rd, and we celebrated at my house...with an entire christmas feast (including a turkey, which i cooked...i was proud). i then went to san diego on the 24th, and we took part in all the regular christmas eve festivities [church, dinner and presents at grandma's, etc.]. it was such a great time being with them [i will post pictures soon]. as 2010 wraps up, i ponder what has happened this year, and this one thing i have learned...the holidays are what you make of them, and i plan on remembering this for many holidays to come.

stephanie alice.

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE ALICE MINNICK!
you are my sunshine.
you are such a beautiful person inside and out.
never change.

quintin cash.

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY QUINTIN CASH RIVAS!

i absolutely love being your aunt, you light up my life.







you are so loved. i am so excited for the years to come with you!

time for a change.

i complain. this is something that i am not proud of. not one bit. and something, that i have honestly been trying to fix, for a long time. whether it is exhaustion from being up all night at work...having to write a 50-page case study for school...i have a tendency to complain each step of the way. why you ask? i have no idea. especially since i hate complaining from other people. it is immature, selfish, and simply annoying. and yet, i DO IT! i have chosen my life path...my major, my job...the only person that i can blame for my incredible lack of sleep is myself, so i don't need to be whining about my exhaustion to others.

call me a dork, but i have a 3x5 card taped on my closet door with the words...
"what do you want to be?
a firefighter.
so start living like it."

one thing that i have come to admire from my time working in EMS and building relationships with my colleagues are their incredible attitudes and awesome work ethic, which is something that i long to develop. when i talk to rescue 57s at the hospital, not once have they ever complained with how BUSY they are. but rather they ask how your day has been. they chose that busy station, so they suck it up, do work, and keep a good attitude about it. they persevere through the pain. i long to develop this ability. so if you read, and i complain to you later, you have permission to slap me. tell me that i will be stronger because of it :]

now for a little flashback!
you can laugh, because i do. this was me on move-in day at biola university in 2005. the start of my undergrad career! crazy to think how quickly this adventure is quickly coming to a close 6 years later...

skin tight jeans...

i am in my mental health rotation right now, and i am really trying to make the most of it. for someone who is [incredibly] task oriented, it was almost a death sentence to be told to simply sit and talk to people for 6 hours twice a week. i say it again, i really am trying people.

anyway, one of the patients that i was talking to tonight made a statement that really made me stop and think...he said that "optimists really expect too much from the world." wow. since i [typically] view myself as an optimists i really took this statement to heart. do i expect too much out of the world? no, i don't think so. i think i have faith. faith in God, faith in others, faith in humanity. yes, the world can be a horrible place, i am reminded of this every single day [especially the days that i go to work]. but there is still goodness in the world, this i am convinced of. and the more that i learn about God and fall in love with him, the more i am convinced that there is a bigger plan for my life. me being an optimist doesn't mean that i expect too much from the world, but that i know that God will take care of me through it all. God has a plan for my life, even when it seems that my life is spinning out of control. i cling to this promise, sometimes it is the only thing that gets me through the day.

on a side note, i don't know if i have ever shared my love for a cappella music [especially male a cappella groups. anyone? anyone?]. it makes my heart sore. good music soothes my soul, and i definitely group a cappella in this category. in addition, i am somewhat of a closet katy perry [or better referred to as kp] fan. as well as a fan of the show glee. so you can imagine how i felt about this scene in the most recent episode. and for those of you that know of my addiction to itunes, yes, this song has already been downloaded and listened to on repeat. all day. current play count is 33. don't judge me...

it's been a while...

it's been a while since i have posted anything here.

it has been a weird semester. first, i have had to make the adjustment to living by myself. not that this has been a bad adjustment, but it has just been different. i definitely feel that it has placed a different sense of stress on me, it is weird to explain. anyway, but overall, it has been great. i will say though, i would be lying if i didn't, i do get lonely last night. like last night, when i felt so sick, and all i wanted was to have someone reach out and give me a hug, and i had no one to turn to. all i had was the darkness and quiet of my room. i guess God is really trying to teach me to rely on him. i cannot rely on others. i cannot depend on others. i need to learn to cast all my cares on him.

i have been wrestling a lot within myself recently. i feel that there is an inner battle going on inside of me that i don't know how to win. i feel so lost. when i am at work, i am happy. i am home. i am content. i want to do that forever. yet, i have slim periods, or glimpses of me working in a hospital, getting married, and having a family...and my heart aches for this. ever since i was little i have always wanted a family, that has been a longing of my heart for so long. however, over the past five and a half years i have been career driven. maybe i have been this way because there has been no possibility of having a family in my future. since i have no control over that i have made something that i can control in my life a priority, my career, so i cannot focus or get depressed about not having a family any time soon. i feel so lost. i feel that the so many directions that i am being pulled in cannot all be satisfied, so i have to choose. fire fighting, the hospital...a family. i cannot have them all. can i? i feel that if i choose this life of fire fighting i may never settle down and have a family, and that petrifies me. but it is something my heart so dearly wants. nursing is great, and safe, but fire excites me. i am so confused about where i am suppose to head. i just wish i didn't feel so alone. Lord, give me direction for my life. i feel so lost.

song of solomon 3:4.

they were beautiful. absolutely beautiful. two dear friends, two perfect weekends, two beautiful weddings. with tears of joy streaming down my face, i had the privilege of watching chawna and skyler become one with their soul mates.

chawna and dana dill








skyler and christopher boice

23 years.

i turned 23 yesterday. after nearly having a nervous breakdown the night before my birthday, i would say that all in all it was great. it is crazy to think that i am already quickly approaching my mid-twenties. actually, it is kind of scary. when i think back on the plans that i had for my life when i was younger, and where i hoped to be, it is not where i am at all. in high school, i remember thinking that i would get married when i was 21 or 22, being in medical school by the time i was 23, and having the time of my life. obviously, that is not where i ended up. when i stop and think about how different my life is from what i had planned, it really makes me see God's sense of humor, and that we really need to write our life in pencil, and give God the eraser. He certainly has enjoyed erasing and rewriting my plans!
but anyway, 23 is going to be a good year, a really good year. i am sure of that. i am graduating [may 7th, 2011...8 months and counting. get pumped people], living by myself for the first time, and am really going to try to make some big changes in my life. some changes: take all my vitamins everyday [silly goal i know, but it is still up there], spend more time in the word, journal more, be more intentional with friendships and relationships, drive down to escondido more to see the family, take more risks, and honestly, as cliche as it sounds, love more. i feel that i have learned so much about love in my 22nd year of life, and i am ready to live out what i have learned in year number 23. so people, prepare yourselves, minnick's 23rd year of life is going to be filled with greatness, i am going to make sure of it. boom.

and i got to celebrate with some amazing friends at yardhouse last night. it was great. you all are like family, i am so blessed by each of you!

blessed.

to start things off, it has been way too long since i have written. 23 days to be exact. i have been busy enjoying my summer vacation, i forgot how amazing it is not to be in school. i have been loving every minute of my break.

blessed. i have been blessed. i have recently been reminded of this truth that i know, but far too often forget. the most recent incident that has reminded me of this truth was a car accident that i was involved in a week ago yesterday. i was hit on the 605 by a vehicle going 75 mph, it was absolutely terrifying. and to make things better, the vehicle that hit me fled the scene. perfect. however, a good samaritan saw the accident and called in the plate number, i am still waiting to hear from chp if they caught the man. there was a guardian angel on the 605 that night, i am so fortunate that neither myself or my friend charissa were hurt. it could have been worse, it could have been so much worse. i am blessed.
to make a long story short, it wasn't worth repairing my car. the damage was nearly $4000, and my car was almost ten years old, it wasn't worth repairing it. as a result of the payoff that i got from my insurance from the damages, i was able to get a new car! 2009 toyota corolla, it is absolutely perfect. i love it so much. my brother-in-law works for lexus, and really helped me and gave me direction with what i should do with the whole situation, i am so blessed to have him in my life, thank you mike!
when i first got hit i was angry. i didn't have time for that, i didn't have time to deal with all of the repercussions of a car accident. but just as he always done, HE turned a horrible situation into good, just as he promises.
i feel like i have such a horrible habit, no, i know that i have such a horrible habit of just focusing on the negative. i am realizing that i need to be changing this, that i need to embrace the area of life that i am in right now, and live it to the fullest. i have been blessed beyond imagine, and i need to remember to live my life like that daily.

this is the start of something good [don't you agree]?

yesterday marked the start of a journey. a journey that was started nearly a year ago, but yesterday, it officially began. the journey to become a firefighter. the first test was passed. a test that seemed nearly impossible a year ago, is now something that you look at as just another task that has been completed. california physically agility test, nearly a year ago it seemed impossible, as of yesterday it has been accomplished. time to move on to bigger things. bigger challenges. time to move on to better prepare yourself for the fire service. excitement. ready to prove the world wrong. you can do this. you are doing this. your first application has been submitted.



now you wait, with hope and anticipation.

hump day.

i feel like this week is a major week. definitely a lot of things to mark it. the biggest one of all, SCHOOL ENDS TODAY! i am so excited for my 5 week break, you don't even know. it is exhausting being in school pretty much from january to july straight. hellllooooo summer vacation.

some things i am looking forward to:
july 31st CPAT [actually, i am more nervous than excited, be praying for me]
august 6th-9th YOSEMITE [half dome is going to be hiked. at night. oh yeah buddy, better believe it]
august [?] moving into my new place after i get back from the best trip ever! [not sure what day, but it is going to be grand]
august 16th-18th CHARISSA! [it is going to be a wonderful reunion, i am sooo stoked]
august 21st chawn bawn gets married!
august 28th skyler and chris' W!

oh summer time, how i have missed you...and great job summer start 2011, you made it through another semester. 4 down, 2 to go. BAM.


the rooms showing off the W colors :] 31 days and counting!

honesty.

honesty. it is something that i value. that i value highly. so i am going to be honest here. the last few months, actually this past year, has been hard. i have been leaning to the patterns of this world, and have been in denial about it. i have been failing as a sister, a daughter, and a friend. i have been so consumed with the desires of my heart, i have let my relationship with Christ fall at the wayside. i had realized that had happened a long time ago, but was too exhausted to do anything about it.
last night i went to rockharbor fullerton with kara, and it was my first time to "big church" in months, and it felt so good. it felt good to worship God, to learn about him, and be surrounded by those who love him. last night i really realized how much work [and being surrounded by sin, anger, and cussing literally 24/7] had taken its toll on me. i love work, and i love those that i work with, but the constant f*bombs can get old after a while. the service was so encouraging, and so uplifting.
today is a new day. today i want to renew my walk in Christ. i want to fall back in love with him. i miss the relationship that i had with him when i was at biola. so this is me, being honest. God, i am your instrument, please use me, i am ready to serve you.

yummmmmmm.

so over the past few months, i have constantly been trying to find new and creative ways to incorporate protein into my diet. my partner from work recently introduced me to a delicious protein shake.

ingredients:
chocolate whey protein powder
low fat milk
peanut butter.

mix those in the famous blender bottle, and enjoy. muscles, prepare to bulk up :]

hump day.

who would have thought that i would get to live with my very first friend. and when i say very first, i mean it. i have known skyler trown since i was 3 years old, and i have been blessed to have gotten to live with her this past year. she is an amazing and beautiful woman, inside and out. she is spontaneous, fun, caring, thoughtful, loving, and fully devoted to let God be the leader of her life. she has been such a good example for me this past year, and has really challenged me in ways that i thought i would never be challenged. so as our time being roommates is coming to a close, i just wanted to take a moment to say how much i am going to miss living with this awesome girl. skyler, i am going to miss:
our trips to target.
our panera work dates.
watching friends.
drinking tea.
watching the bachelor/bachelorette with you!
our bedtime routine.
our trips to the hot tub.
tooting the fruit!
and so much more.

blessings to skyler and chris as they begin the journey of marriage together. and skyler, thank you for making this year absolutely incredible. loving you.

[just because] tuesday flowers.

i have an amazing preceptor for my community health rotation. she is amazing, i am learning so much for her. after running all around the san gabriel valley today, we got back to her office and there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting on her desk. she knew exactly who they were from. her husband had sent them to her as [just because] flowers. "i hope everyone is as blessed as i am by their husband. he is a good one, i think i'll keep him" she said. by seeing this beautiful act of love and thoughtfulness, i was reminded that that is what i want, i want to have a relationship where i will receive [just because] it's tuesday flowers. i will hold out for this. i will wait patiently. i will wait for my [just because] man.

[just because] i know it will be worth it.

just felt like sharing.

this paper has come up in a couple conversations recently. i wrote it last fall at the end of my med-surg rotation. it is titled, "the dying patient." and i just felt like sharing tonight, i am too drained to write anything new. sorry for the length.

The Dying Patient.
For those who have never been exposed to death, it can be a scary thing. Death can stir up feelings inside of individuals that they did not even know they possessed. An individual’s first encounter with death can make them feel angry, devastated, depressed, and simply confused; at least that is how I felt when I had my first encounter with death. I had been working as an Emergency Medical Technician in Inglewood for about a month and a half when I had my first encounter with a patient dying. My partner and I got a call at approximately five-thirty in the morning for a full arrest. The patient was an eighty-two year old female, full code, who was residing at a convalescent home, and who received a complete code workup. I took over chest compressions when my partner and I arrived on scene, and continued with chest compressions all the way to the hospital until the Physician called time of death. After the Physician pronounced my patient, I was devastated. I felt that because I was the one doing chest compressions the majority of time during the call, that my patient’s outcome was a result of my performance. As well, I was angry because my partner and the other Paramedics on the call were completely fine after time of death was called- joking around with each other, laughing, and carrying on as if nothing had happened. I could not understand how these men could just have a patient die on them and not think anything of it, and that made me angry, upset, and confused. I cried my entire drive home.
Well, my first encounter with a patient dying was nearly a year ago, and I can say for a fact that I do not feel the same way about death that I did then. Now, I have lost track of the amount of times that I have encountered patient’s dying, and honestly, death does not really affect me anymore, I cannot allow death to effect me. Death is something that I encounter on a regular basis, and over the past year I have become immune to it, and I have taught myself to simply laugh about it. Because honestly, if you cannot learn to laugh about death when you encounter it so frequently, you will want to do nothing else but cry. You have to learn to put up a wall and to separate yourself from work, otherwise work will eat away at you. Over the past year I have had to learn to separate myself from my work, and thus, I have had to learn to separate myself from death. I now view death and patient’s dying as something that simply happens. Death can happen to anyone, any time, in any circumstance, and it can happen to those that do not deserve it in any sense. The only time that I have ever started crying at work was when I had a 2-month old full arrest that did not survive. Honestly, I think pediatric calls and pediatric deaths are really the only types of calls that still affect me. There is something about children, maybe it their innocence, which still manages to get to me. When I had the 2-month old die, the call stayed with me for at least a month. I could not stop seeing the little blue baby’s face in my mind, could not stop hearing the mother’s cries in my head, and could not forget the terror that I felt the entire time I was bagging the infant. So I suppose that I was not completely accurate earlier when I said that death does not affect me anymore. Adult death does not phase me, at least I have yet to encounter a call in an extremely long time where I have been affected by an adult dying, but there is still a part of me that aches when I encounter a child that dies.
One of the ways that I have found that helps with encountering death on a frequent basis is writing about the experiences. The piece below is about my fourth experience with death approximately eight months ago. It was when I wrote this piece that I was realizing how I had changed as a person, and that patients dying no longer upset me like it had in the past, which was scary because I realized that me separating myself from my work was causing me to lose emotion in other areas of my life, which I have found may be a sacrifice that I have to live with to survive in the medical field.
Full Arrest.
Full arrests. You have a love/hate relationship with full arrests. You love them because they are legit, and you finally feel like you are able to use the skills that you have been taught, that you have spent hours practicing, that you were so eager to use in the classroom, and that actually make you feel like you are making a difference. You work up a sweat [you are usually dripping when you are done], and you have so much adrenaline rushing through your veins you feel that you could take on the world. You have never felt stronger in your life. You have never felt more accomplished. But even after all of that- you still hate them. You hate them because you have never seen a person survive. You hate them because the poor bodies you work up get destroyed. You hate them because they are messy- not just kind of messy, but messy in a sense that you have to make a conscious effort to not vomit on the patient while you are doing chest compressions. Vomit. Sweat. More vomit. More sweat. Urine. Crap. Full arrests are messy.
It had been a pretty [dare I say it] quiet day in the city of Inglewood, a nice change since last shift you didn't see the inside of the station for 14 hours. You had been enjoying your afternoon nap when the phone rang, and just like a robot, jumped out of bed, quickly threw your boots on, pulled up your pants, and sprinted out the door. This routine had become so second nature that you could very easily do it in your sleep, and on most nights, you usually do.
The call information came streaming over the radio with the address numerics, the fire station that you would be running with, and the call type- full arrest. Crap. While your partner maps you to the call, you sit there wishing that you had eaten before your nap so that you would have more energy right now, and because full arrests always make you so hungry afterwards.
You arrive at the call 3 minutes later. You unload the gurney while your partner grabs a backboard. Pd is already on scene. As you roll the gurney up to the door the first thing that catches your eye are three kids [the oldest could not have been older than 11] standing by the front door. The kids look up to you as you walk in the door, their eyes full of tears. The look they give you pierces your heart. No one has ever looked at you with so much hope and faith before- and it kills you because you have yet to see a full arrest survive. You walk in the door just as one fireman is beginning compressions, and after you put the backboard down and help cut off the man's clothes, you jump on compressions. You forgot how exhausting these things are [boy you wish you had eaten]. As you are doing chest compressions you look at your patient- gosh this guy is young, turns out he is only 49. He had been eating spaghetti [which is now spurting from his mouth] with his 7-year-old son when he collapsed and went into full arrest. Please God, you pray, please let him make it. You glance at the front door while still trying to continue the rhythm of your compressions to see if the kids are watching. Pd is talking to the kids- good; no one should ever have to witness a full arrest work up. No one.
You are on scene for 15 minutes, and you never get the patient to v-fib [the rhythm that the heart needs to be in to shock]. The medics push a round of epinephrine.... then a round of atropine...another round of epinephrine.... nothing. Absolutely nothing. You are reminded why you hate full arrests [you begin to feel like you are just prolonging death, not actually saving a life]. You load up the patient, wheel him out to the ambulance [the entire neighborhood is standing in their doorways now, this is probably the most excitement they have had on their street this month], load him up, and speed off to the hospital.
You roll into the parking lot of the hospital about 4 minutes later, throw the ambulance into park, put on a pair of gloves, and run around to the back to open the double doors and let out your partner and the 2 medics that are in the back with the patient. You pull out the gurney, your partner jumps on the bar connecting the wheels [this is called "surfing the gurney"] and continues to do chest compressions while you push the gurney up the ramp and into the Emergency Room.
This ER is like your second home, and on some days you spend more time here than at the station. You know the nurses, they know you, and for the most part, you have a great relationship. "WHERE ARE WE GOING?" you yell as you roll into the ER...."room 1" the nurse replies. You go into room 1, move the patient from the gurney to the hospital bed, and stay in the room in case they need help, which they usually do. As you are standing against the wall the other bed in the room catches your eye.... it contains a body bag, and the room you are standing in quickly begins to feel like a morgue.
Your partner is still doing chest compressions and you can see the sweat dripping from his face [you have never seen his face that red]. The nurse responsible for the drugs wishes she has five more hands and begins asking you to prep the iv bags and prep the drugs...eppy...atropine...bicard...dextrose 50. Your pulse is racing, you have never been this involved with a full arrest patient once you have arrived at the er...hopefully you get to work on him until the very end. You jump on chest compressions now, your partner is exhausted. The doctor compliments your chest compressions, you feel accomplished.
Another round of drugs is given. He is shocked [you are amazed because this is the first time you have actually seen a patient get shocked with a bolt of electricity]. Then another round of drugs is given. He is shocked again. Then one more round of drugs. It has been 20 minutes. The doctor asks you to feel the femoral artery for a pulse. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The doctor asks you and the nurses if anyone has any ideas or objections, no one does. She calls it. Time of death, 20:36. That is 4 for 4.... every full arrest patient you have ever had has died. Dang this gets depressing. You look over at the other dead body in the neighboring bed...you could really feel the death in the room now.
You leave the room and go out to the hallway to begin to clean the gurney. There is a knock at the ER entrance door coming from the waiting room, you glance over, it is a woman, with 3 kids standing by her side, saying that her husband was just brought in by ambulance, the security guard [whom you have come to be great friends with] looks over at you and asks if you brought him in. you nod, keeping a blank look on your face, hoping she gets what you are trying to say. She does. She tells the wife that she will be called back soon. The security guard scurries over and asks if you brought in the full arrest. You respond by saying that they just called it. "Damn. There are 3 kids out there" she responds. "I know. The kids were the ones that called 911" you reply back. "Damn" the security guard mutters back.
You finish cleaning the gurney. Remake it with a crisp white sheet, and roll it back out to the ambulance. As you are walking the gurney back out you think to yourself how 4 months ago you would be heart broken that your patient just died. But now, it doesn't even seem to phase you. Just another "day at the office" you think. You are becoming so immune to death. You can feel yourself losing your emotion. You can feel yourself becoming less human.

oh happy day.

i felt like such an adult today. i put down the deposit for my very own apartment. not an apartment to be shared with roommates [even though that has been grand], no no...but my very OWN apartment. i am now officially an adult, with my very own house. oh happy day.


me and my new front door!

hump day.

lately i have been thinking a lot about the beauty of God's plan. we might not understand it, we might even hate it at a point in time, but God always has a plan, always.
april 2008, it was a hard time in my life. i had just been rejected from the biola university nursing program. i was angry. i was hurt. i was confused. i was sad. i was lost. i just didn't understand how any good could come from such a horrible thing.
looking back on my life since my rejection, i praise God that i didn't get into biola. because as a result i...
went to emt school at ucla (still the greatest college experience i have ever had, absolutely loved it).
transferred to azusa pacific university.
got into apu's accelerated nursing program.
took spring 2009 off school.
got a job and began working at mccormick.
fell in love with ems.
met some of my best friends from work.
discovered my unknown passion for firefighting.
decided that i want to pursue a career in the fire service...
and as a result, have started a new, and exciting adventure.

God always has a plan. thank you God for being the ultimate master of my life, having "ahah" moments like this remind me that you really do know what you are doing, and i need to trust you.